And now I have a question for you.

[constance]

One of the nicest things about being a grownup is that you can have a slice of pumpkin cheesecake for dinner and there's no one to say you nay. I'm just saying.

:::

I went to lunch today with my mother, and we talked briefly about my awful aunt, who, among her many stellar characteristics, possesses the ability to pronounce the word interesting in such a way as to turn it into a synonym of appalling. She thinks our family is interesting. She thinks that any gift which does not correspond to her fluid and entirely subjective ideas of what gifts ought to be is interesting.

Or really, what we talked about was not my aunt so much as the fact that it's an unrewarding struggle, trying to find a gift for someone who will open it, peer into the box with an expression most people reserve for gifts of dog manure, and say, "Oh, how interesting!" in That Tone of Voice.

And yet we persist. Both of us like picking out things for people that we think they'll like -- though goodness knows we don't always succeed -- and neither of us wants to be the sort of person who keeps a kind of mental tally running (giving gifts as payment for kind thank-yous or interest, either real or well-feigned), and neither of us is assertive enough to just say Enough. And so we beat on, picking out gifts, or making them, with care, knowing all the while that they'll be dismissed.

I'm curious, because I'm sure that at least a few people around here have people similar to my aunt on their lists: how do you respond to such a person? By not buying gifts any more? By trying harder? By sneering a heartfelt fuck-you?

Comments

[thalia]

If it were me, I'd probably keep buying her presents, but I wouldn't put much effort into them, and I wouldn't spend any more than I had to. And I'd try not to take it personally when she turned up her nose, because some people just can't be pleased. Her loss, really.

[tofty.livejournal.com]

Yes -- really, this seems to be the way things are developing. This was part of our discussion, actually, that both my mother and I are sort drifting into this, and embarrassing as it is to admit it, it's pretty much a relief. :/ A shame it has to come to that, though.

[laurelwood.livejournal.com]

She's not my aunt, so it's easy to throw out this suggestion, but my first instinct was to think, "Oh, you want interesting? I'll give you interesting!" and then go out and find something as off-the-wall as I possibly could. (There are some lovely sequined lime green bedroom slippers at the dollar store right now. Want me to mail you a pair?)

Barring that, though, if I couldn't get out of giving her something altogether, I think I'd err on the side of, I dunno... "gourmet"-ish food items, maybe? And like darthalia said, not put too much effort into it.

[tofty.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahahaha, I'm actually pretty tempted to do this, except that I'm afraid my mother would be the one to suffer for it. (Ever since we were small, my aunt blames any behaviors in my brother and I of which she doesn't approve on my mother's terrible parenting.)

I am trying, honestly, not to put too much effort into her gifts -- purely in the spirit of self-preservation. (This year she gets a silk scarf, pretty but entirely generic.) But it hurts my heart to do it, really. :(

[bowdlerized.livejournal.com]

Charitable donation in her honor? If you're feeling bold, though, I like Laurel's idea. ;)

[tofty.livejournal.com]

Look at your cute little Bow-icon! :O

I'd totally go the charitable donation route (and have already donated in the names of a couple of friends this year), except that her pet charities are hardcore Christian missions and ultra-right-wing PACs; perhaps you see why I don't feel entirely comfortable sending my money to these groups. And any compromise-charities I might come up with -- say, a Christian organization focusing on improving general quality of life rather than focusing on conversion -- would just get the interesting.

It's a conundrum, I tell you.

[tinderblast.livejournal.com]

It sounds difficult and hurtful.

[tofty.livejournal.com]

Ah, it doesn't hurt me so much as it hurts my mother. I don't particularly mind being rejected by my aunt, as I don't much respect or even like her; but my mother feels my aunt's slights very strongly.

[tinderblast.livejournal.com]

For some reason I flashed on 'The Ref' - have you seen it? Parts of it are totally hilarious, and the most memorable character is probably the mean grandma who does obnoxious things like give her grandson boxer shorts for Christmas and says 'I bought these in the husky size - don't let your weight become a problem.'

You can't shield your mother against rudeness from your aunt, though, and it's a shame that you even have to see her, if she's that unpleasant. Families can just be so awkward.

[somniesperus.livejournal.com]

Buy them something subtly insulting and obnoxious on purpose.

Oops, did I say that out loud?

[tofty.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The thing is, we totally suspect her of doing this very thing! She famously really hates my younger brother (who is, by the way, the most likable member of my family), and gives him the worst, most thoughtless gifts -- a gift of peanut brittle, for example, the year he had oral surgery and had his jaw wired shut for six weeks over the holidays.

It would only be fair, wouldn't it? :-?

[amelia-eve.livejournal.com]

One of the best twists I've ever heard on the suggestions by both bowdlerized and somniesperus came from a friend who was interning in a fancy law firm. He was expected to attend a baby shower for a very highly-paid member of the firm, and he was irked at the idea that people were spending a hundred dollars and more on gifts for this over-priveleged baby. His solution was impeccable: a donation to Save the Children.

In my family we don't spend a lot on gifts, but we like to pick out things that are unique and specific. Especially between my sister and me, a fifty-year-old flea market book can be much more highly prized than an expensive but boring sweater.

The problem is my brother. If you are going to see him in person, he will probably rustle around and come up with something, usually cookware or gadgets. But I don't think he has ever actually been inside a post office, so he'll get me things but wait until someone happens to be traveling from California to New York and then ask them to carry it along. He is good about calling on my birthday, but I never expect to receive anything from him. And yet.... my amour propre prevents me from merely snubbing him at the holidays. This year I picked up a DVD of Rock 'n' Roll High School at the Tower Records going out of business sale for less than ten dollars. It shows I care....

[laurelwood.livejournal.com]

I love the idea of a donation to "Save the Children"! What a perfect, perfect solution.

[tofty.livejournal.com]

I am absolutely going to remember this and steal the idea for myself one day. It is excellent.

See, I like the unique-and-specific thing as well. If I get someone a sweater, it's a sweater we've discussed, or share a joke over. I'd also much rather have a gift obviously tailored specifically to my tastes than one that someone put a lot of money and no thought into.

My favorite gift for this Christmas is the gift I'm making my mother: a little perpetual calendar with a picture frame, with a bunch of snapshots I stole from their house on their last vacation, all scanned and resized so that she can change them out whenever she likes, and a promise to scan and resize any more pictures that she likes, in perpetuity.

[amelia-eve.livejournal.com]

That calender sounds lovely. It's everything a handmade gift should be: personalized to the recipient and using a skill she does not possess, with a little element of surprise in the purloined photos.

You are so darned gracious.

[laurelwood.livejournal.com]

Is it creepy and wrong to just squeal "I love you!!!1!" after opening up a Christmas card that pushes the boundaries of darlingness further than they've ever been pushed before?

OMG, the little snowy Hedwig! The happy look on Snowman!Harry's face! The way the striped Gryffindor scarf should clash with the spotted patterned paper, but instead works seamlessly in the way that interior decorators always manage to do with decorative couch cushions, but I could never manage myself. PLUS the printing inside, which I, despite knowing that it was a hand-crafted card, had to squint hard at to believe that it wasn't pre-printed because it was so perfect. And every family member's names and ages... I couldn't be more thrilled. Thank you so much!

[tofty.livejournal.com]

No more creepy and wrong, I would think, than to think OMG Laurel and her family must have something as wonderfully silly and adorable as I can make it! :D:D:D:D I'm really thrilled you got it and liked it!