Ritual appreciation

[constance]

I've been thinking this week about this post on metafilter, which asks a simple question and in the comments section becomes a study in contrast, the ways people look at etiquette. How can I show you respect? How can you show me respect? How can I put you in your place? How can you put me in my place? And of course the most important question of all: Which fucking hand do I use to hold my fork?

I'm a big fan of etiquette -- I've got stacks of books on the topic, and I love listening to people talk about it. I don't come by my (somewhat meager) social skills naturally, see, and it makes me happy that there are basic rules I can follow to make things easier, for me and for everyone else as well. Shortcuts, you know. Things that -- so my mama, who is one of those people who's made a successful career of putting people at ease, taught me -- say, without actually spelling it out, that I have some consideration for the people around me and the world I live in, want to make things more comfortable for all of us. I'm interested, too, in an anthropological sense, in the ways people wield manners as weapons, and in the many ways people can get it wrong as they forget and misunderstand; but primarily, I'm in it so's to put some positive structure into my world.

How do you feel about it? And have you learned any manners that you'll never let go?

Comments

[tofty.livejournal.com]

I know which fork to use -- hell, I even know when to use a berry fork, even though I haven't actually seen a modern service that includes one -- but I was kind of startled by the vehemence with which people advocated or derided the knife/fork switch. I mean, it's never much mattered to me one way or the other, but as it happens, my brother and I have never done it unless we remember to force ourselves to do it. I'd hate to think that while we were calmly eating without switching, we were offending people across the nation. :/

I love your story! When I think of good manners, it's stories like that I think of -- the stories where a hostess will drink from her fingerbowl rather than show up a guest -- and not the stories about dowagers glaring vulgar people down.

I've mentioned before, I think, that graciousness and kindliness just ravish me. I am easily seduced, I know -- but the thing is that graciousness and kindliness are getting rarer. It makes me sad.