Ritual appreciation

[constance]

I've been thinking this week about this post on metafilter, which asks a simple question and in the comments section becomes a study in contrast, the ways people look at etiquette. How can I show you respect? How can you show me respect? How can I put you in your place? How can you put me in my place? And of course the most important question of all: Which fucking hand do I use to hold my fork?

I'm a big fan of etiquette -- I've got stacks of books on the topic, and I love listening to people talk about it. I don't come by my (somewhat meager) social skills naturally, see, and it makes me happy that there are basic rules I can follow to make things easier, for me and for everyone else as well. Shortcuts, you know. Things that -- so my mama, who is one of those people who's made a successful career of putting people at ease, taught me -- say, without actually spelling it out, that I have some consideration for the people around me and the world I live in, want to make things more comfortable for all of us. I'm interested, too, in an anthropological sense, in the ways people wield manners as weapons, and in the many ways people can get it wrong as they forget and misunderstand; but primarily, I'm in it so's to put some positive structure into my world.

How do you feel about it? And have you learned any manners that you'll never let go?

Comments

[tilney.livejournal.com]

I have to say that with my Zelig personality I tend to blend in with whatever register there is around me, and I feel comfortable with people twice my age, so I don't think I stick out as the badly-behaved one. What I do tend to lack, sometimes, is in the field of 'sensitivity' as the Polish poet, Wisława Szymborska, defined it. She said 'sensitivity' has nothing to do with being maudlin, but with having antennae of sorts, directed towards the other person, which enable us to show thoughtful concentration on them. When I behave badly, it is because I become inconsiderate. This sometimes, in my case, leads to being a bit brusque and offhand. Which I hate.

Still, however, I remember till this day how I took one of my lecturers' friendly attitude for granted and used a very familiar form of address. He didn't bat an eyelid, but I my ears still burn about it and now I always prefer to stay on the safe side and maybe even come across as too formal, but.

[tofty.livejournal.com]

One of the nice things -- some might say barbaric :D -- about English is that there're fewer things to trip you up as far as addressing people in terms of respect. I mean, we don't have formal and familiar pronouns, for example.

I was thinking that Szymborska's definition was what I would call empathy, but it's a little different, isn't it? "Thoughtful concentration" -- I like that.

And I prefer to err on the side of formality as well; I'm reserved by nature. But man, that's brought me some trouble from the school of people who think that reserved people are just being snotty. Sometimes, you can't win. 9_9