Ritual appreciation

[constance]

I've been thinking this week about this post on metafilter, which asks a simple question and in the comments section becomes a study in contrast, the ways people look at etiquette. How can I show you respect? How can you show me respect? How can I put you in your place? How can you put me in my place? And of course the most important question of all: Which fucking hand do I use to hold my fork?

I'm a big fan of etiquette -- I've got stacks of books on the topic, and I love listening to people talk about it. I don't come by my (somewhat meager) social skills naturally, see, and it makes me happy that there are basic rules I can follow to make things easier, for me and for everyone else as well. Shortcuts, you know. Things that -- so my mama, who is one of those people who's made a successful career of putting people at ease, taught me -- say, without actually spelling it out, that I have some consideration for the people around me and the world I live in, want to make things more comfortable for all of us. I'm interested, too, in an anthropological sense, in the ways people wield manners as weapons, and in the many ways people can get it wrong as they forget and misunderstand; but primarily, I'm in it so's to put some positive structure into my world.

How do you feel about it? And have you learned any manners that you'll never let go?

Comments

[treehavn.livejournal.com]

Thank you for drawing my attention to that thread. I'm reading it now and finding it fascinating. Your comment about which hand the fork goes in reminds me of the first time I ever flew on an American airline. Everything was much as it would be on a British flight (except they were more stingy with the drink), until dinner time came and everyone started this complicated procedure of fork transference. It was quite an eye-opener.

Good etiquette, as you say, is all about putting people at their ease in a very unshowy way, but also about banishing vulgarities. Have you ever read the novel Snobs (http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0753820099/qid=1148634290/sr=8-2/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i2_xgl/202-3408762-6858208) by Julian Fellowes? It's on this very subject, from a British class perspective, and might interest you.

[tofty.livejournal.com]

Neither my brother nor I practice the weird fork transferrence procedure. I'm not sure why, but neither of us ever caught on, and it wasn't until I hit my twenties that someone pointed out to us that our table manners were continental rather than gauche. What a relief! Because I only occasionally remember to do the transfer -- it just doesn't come natural-like.

It is a terrific thread, isn't it? Except that as several people point out, the part about banishing vulgarities becomes difficult once you realize that vulgarities differ from society to society. It's all very complicated! You could trip up at any time! Fascinating!

And I haven't read Snobs, but believe me, I will. This sort of thing is exactly up my street, and your comment reminded me of Nancy Mitford's Noblesse Oblige, which first addressed the question of upper-class language; I have a copy somewhere and I think I'm going to dig it out.