for Mistress ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
somniesperus on her birthday
Oct. 26th, 2005 03:40 pmconstanceLOTS OF LOVE MY DEAREST!! I have a present for you, or really, it's not so much a present as it is an Oompa-Loompa birthday song.
Oh, gather round, you children, do,
To hear the tale of Telanu,
That writer known both far and wide!
That gifted multifandom pride!
One day, as sometimes people must
(At least they do when they're robust)
She sat to count the time gone by
And then, surprised, she cried, “Oh my!
Today’s my birthday! Yes, it’s true,
And I’ve got nothing planned to do!”
She called a friend. That friend was out.
She called another, searched about
For people who could come to share
A cake and candles—-standard fare
For those who want to celebrate
A cherished loved one’s natal date.
She did find one, then two, then three.
Enough to constitute a spree!
Emboldened by success, she then
Pronounced that she’d conceived a yen
To visit us, and “us” would be
Our famous chocolate factory!
(Young Charlie Bucket, savvy boy,
Has said the whole world should enjoy
Our lovely factory’s delight,
And Mr. Wonka didn’t fight
To keep our factory free from the
Disgusting tourist bourgeoisie!
And so on one October day,
Just once a year—-we had our say—-
We unlock all our locked-up doors
And lock up all our many scores
Of secret, crucial recipes,
And people wander where they please
And sample (gorge) and taste (pig out)
A grazed confectionery route
Across our sweet facilities
Like some pernicious skin disease.
And this is why this girl could say,
“Let’s party there! I want my way!”
And we would have to let her in.
And so we did, to our chagrin.)
It’s not so much that hers was worse
Than any tourist’s blind traverse
Through our enchanted, hallowed halls.
She licked the chocolate-coated walls,
She had her cake, and ate it too,
Ate fast as her young teeth could chew.
She mainlined sugar cookie dough,
Drank molten cups of marshmallow,
Devoured brownie liqui-gels,
Consumed all Charlie’s caramels,
And did it quick, all this is true.
But that is what our tourists do!
If that were all that she had done,
We’d simply say she’d had her fun,
Get on with cleaning up the mess,
And not have bothered with the stress
Of coming up with this long song.
Oh no! She did a grievous wrong!
That sick, perverted slasher wrote
(While sipping on an ice-cream float)
An epic yarn of filthy sex!
A vile equation, y plus x,
With details all spelled out in z,
And y is Mr Wonka, see,
And x is Charlie, who’s sixteen,
And z’s a jumping jelly bean,
And also poured-out buttergin
Which x licks off of y’s soft skin,
As per the ending to this tale.
Now this alone’s beyond the pale!
Would you agree? Revolting, crass!
What stones she has, what shocking brass,
To write of our boys in the buff!
And if that fic weren’t quite enough,
Which you’ll agree is lots, I’m sure,
From someone who looks so demure,
There’s more! Oh yes! We aren’t done yet!
There’s even worse things to regret.
For this young wench, she had the nerve
To write with passion, wit, and verve,
To get her characters just right,
To wind the tension up so tight
That by the time they did the deed
Some things that should have made us bleed,
They really kind of turned us on.
This Telanu is devil’s spawn!
And add to that the fact that she
Then sabotaged our dignity
By usurping our claim to fame,
By beating us at our own game.
She upstaged us! This will not stand!
Be witness to our firm demand
That we here reign as bards supreme.
Let no one undermine this dream,
Allow no godless bit of stuff
To give us any sort of guff.
Upon this matter, we’ll speak plain:
She’ll not be asked to come again.
And here we rest, except to add
That if you come to us, my lad
(or lass, whichever you prefer),
And if a story should occur
To your precocious mind, dear friend—-
Yes, let us put this to an end—-
Check your pretensions at the door,
Or else we’ll all be mighty sore
And make you, too, the subject of
Our Oompa-Loompa anti-love.
:::
It's very long, isn't it? But my love for you overflows! And besides, those Oompa-Loompa songs, you may have noticed, go on for quite a ways.
Oh, gather round, you children, do,
To hear the tale of Telanu,
That writer known both far and wide!
That gifted multifandom pride!
One day, as sometimes people must
(At least they do when they're robust)
She sat to count the time gone by
And then, surprised, she cried, “Oh my!
Today’s my birthday! Yes, it’s true,
And I’ve got nothing planned to do!”
She called a friend. That friend was out.
She called another, searched about
For people who could come to share
A cake and candles—-standard fare
For those who want to celebrate
A cherished loved one’s natal date.
She did find one, then two, then three.
Enough to constitute a spree!
Emboldened by success, she then
Pronounced that she’d conceived a yen
To visit us, and “us” would be
Our famous chocolate factory!
(Young Charlie Bucket, savvy boy,
Has said the whole world should enjoy
Our lovely factory’s delight,
And Mr. Wonka didn’t fight
To keep our factory free from the
Disgusting tourist bourgeoisie!
And so on one October day,
Just once a year—-we had our say—-
We unlock all our locked-up doors
And lock up all our many scores
Of secret, crucial recipes,
And people wander where they please
And sample (gorge) and taste (pig out)
A grazed confectionery route
Across our sweet facilities
Like some pernicious skin disease.
And this is why this girl could say,
“Let’s party there! I want my way!”
And we would have to let her in.
And so we did, to our chagrin.)
It’s not so much that hers was worse
Than any tourist’s blind traverse
Through our enchanted, hallowed halls.
She licked the chocolate-coated walls,
She had her cake, and ate it too,
Ate fast as her young teeth could chew.
She mainlined sugar cookie dough,
Drank molten cups of marshmallow,
Devoured brownie liqui-gels,
Consumed all Charlie’s caramels,
And did it quick, all this is true.
But that is what our tourists do!
If that were all that she had done,
We’d simply say she’d had her fun,
Get on with cleaning up the mess,
And not have bothered with the stress
Of coming up with this long song.
Oh no! She did a grievous wrong!
That sick, perverted slasher wrote
(While sipping on an ice-cream float)
An epic yarn of filthy sex!
A vile equation, y plus x,
With details all spelled out in z,
And y is Mr Wonka, see,
And x is Charlie, who’s sixteen,
And z’s a jumping jelly bean,
And also poured-out buttergin
Which x licks off of y’s soft skin,
As per the ending to this tale.
Now this alone’s beyond the pale!
Would you agree? Revolting, crass!
What stones she has, what shocking brass,
To write of our boys in the buff!
And if that fic weren’t quite enough,
Which you’ll agree is lots, I’m sure,
From someone who looks so demure,
There’s more! Oh yes! We aren’t done yet!
There’s even worse things to regret.
For this young wench, she had the nerve
To write with passion, wit, and verve,
To get her characters just right,
To wind the tension up so tight
That by the time they did the deed
Some things that should have made us bleed,
They really kind of turned us on.
This Telanu is devil’s spawn!
And add to that the fact that she
Then sabotaged our dignity
By usurping our claim to fame,
By beating us at our own game.
She upstaged us! This will not stand!
Be witness to our firm demand
That we here reign as bards supreme.
Let no one undermine this dream,
Allow no godless bit of stuff
To give us any sort of guff.
Upon this matter, we’ll speak plain:
She’ll not be asked to come again.
And here we rest, except to add
That if you come to us, my lad
(or lass, whichever you prefer),
And if a story should occur
To your precocious mind, dear friend—-
Yes, let us put this to an end—-
Check your pretensions at the door,
Or else we’ll all be mighty sore
And make you, too, the subject of
Our Oompa-Loompa anti-love.
:::
It's very long, isn't it? But my love for you overflows! And besides, those Oompa-Loompa songs, you may have noticed, go on for quite a ways.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-27 12:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-27 12:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-27 01:23 am (UTC)This Telanu is devil’s spawn!
Having seen her wicked little grin in person, I totally agree! But in a good way. ;-)
no subject
Date: 2005-10-27 12:42 pm (UTC)(And thanks!!! :D)
*sobbing with joy*
Date: 2005-10-27 01:23 am (UTC)Perhaps a Smoove B impersonation would convey the depths of my love?
Baby, you are so fine. You are beautiful and sexy and Smoove T will treat you right tonight. Tonight I will treat you to a tour of the most marvelous chocolate factory in the world. I will have a golden ticket which is for you and only you, which shall be delivered to your door, at an hour of your specifying, by three winged cherubs. I will arrange to pick you up in the finest white stretch SUV limousine in the city to convey you to the factory. We will kiss one another in the back seat and murmur many words of love. You will be overcome by your desire for Smoove. I will rock your world, baby.
Once at the factory, you will have cookie-dough if you so desire, and brownie liqui-gels, which shall be of the finest brownie batter in the world. If you do not like the flavor of the liqui-gels, I will arrange for there to be a second option available. You will also have candy chews and ice cream, made of the finest cream and sugar, of any kind you want.
Then I will freak you nasty from behind.
Peace. Smoove T out.
Re: *sobbing with joy*
Date: 2005-10-27 12:45 pm (UTC)Sweetie, I was going to log on last night to find out how your day went, but I ended up falling asleep. I hope you had a FABULOUS day. <3333333333333333
Re: *sobbing with joy*
Date: 2005-10-27 05:31 pm (UTC)Thanks again!!
Re: *sobbing with joy*
Date: 2005-10-27 08:35 pm (UTC)I AM SO GLAD! ON BOTH COUNTS!