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[constance]

A Manifesto for Courtship between Introverts:

"Whereas we are both introverts and do not care for small talk, finding it on the whole a trivial and demeaning pursuit; and Whereas we have spent our lives feeling inadequate to the task of small talk when in reality we feel that small talk is simply stupid and unattractive and do not care to participate in it; and Whereas rather than openly attack the majority for indulging in small talk we have patiently tried our best to imitate it, however unskillfully, and have never received our due for such selfless and humiliating attempts to make extroverts feel less uncomfortable with their shallow and meaningless lives; and Whereas neither one of us really cares whether the other can skillfully imitate the small talk of others anyway; and Whereas being highly intuitive we perceive plenty about the other person without having to go through the tedious process of a rote question-and-answer conversation, which moreover we would find nearly obscene in its deadly obtuseness; and Whereas we are two free human beings freely choosing to associate in the manner that suits us both; and Whereas we feel confident that if we spend some time together we will, being each of us intellectually nimble, in due time find ample ground for conversation;

Therefore be it resolved that, finding some initial interest in each other, we will commit to spending a sufficient amount of time together without either of us forcing upon the other any conventional, preconceived notions, with particular care not to assume any of the rote behaviors associated with the "dating" mode, and pledge moreover to give due consideration to any and all modes of togetherness including silent trips to the library, the viewing of movies without comment, mutual reading, meals taken in relative silence, long drives during which little is said, and, further, given that our thoughts, when voiced, often are of a complex and many-faceted variety requiring relatively lengthy elucidation, we pledge that should such thoughts begin to be voiced, the one who is listening will provide the one who is speaking ample and necessary time in which to complete such thoughts, and will provide such periodic promptings as might be necessary to reassure the other that in spite of the radically compressed norms of extroverted conversation he or she is not in fact going on too long but is actually enlarging on the subject in a manner that is exceedingly pleasing in its richness and detail."

--Cary Tennis

Comments

[jossish.livejournal.com]

I take issue with the idea that extroverts have "shallow and meaningless lives" just because they like to talk. Making small talk doesn't mean you don't have the ability to talk about deeper and more meaningful things. Sorry, not to pick on the quote or anything, but that choice of wording really stuck out at me as being quite strong for the situation described.

[kickthebeat.livejournal.com]

i couldn't help but feel the same way, upon reading this; i doubt the wording of the line was designed with the intent to make extroverts like myself (and yourself, i assume?) feel like shit for the ability to talk "inanely" amongst ourselves, but that's definitely what i took from it. which hurt me because this passage is lovely, and i didn't want to feel grumbly about it.

[tofty.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Check out my answer to littlemissloony for a fuller answer, but I do want to say that I would hate for you to feel as though I think of you as an inane chatterbox (and don't think Cary Tennis would either -- he'd think you were a delight, just as I do). Because I absolutely don't -- I adore talking to you, my dear one.

[tofty.livejournal.com]

I can see why you would take issue, especially as you have to be a regular reader of the column to understand where Cary Tennis is coming from. It's honestly not as though Cary Tennis feels this way -- he is quite openly extrovert -- or even that he expects introverts to feel this way. It's that even apart from the original letter he's answering, which talks about that difficulties inherent in a courtship involving two introverts, this is a topic that holds a particular fascination for him (and, I think this is obvious, for me), the constant battle that introverts and extroverts fight to understand each other. That particular passage feels to me (and I do read his column regularly) like a kind of shorthand, reminding readers of discussions on this topic that he's conducted before. It's a little sloppy, I think. But I do not think he honestly feels that way, or expects us to.

Also! It is so nice to have you back!

[somniesperus.livejournal.com]

This is how I was going to propose to you, and Cary Tennis TOTALLY PLAGIARIZED MY MIND D=

ahahahahahahahaha

[tofty.livejournal.com]

I forgive him because I love him so, but I totally love you more. May I register the china pattern?

[imkalena.livejournal.com]

Whereas rather than openly attack the majority for indulging in small talk we have patiently tried our best to imitate it, however unskillfully, and have never received our due for such selfless and humiliating attempts to make extroverts feel less uncomfortable with their shallow and meaningless lives

*snigger*

[tofty.livejournal.com]

:D:D:D

He socks it to both types there, doesn't he?

[imkalena.livejournal.com]

I think I was the only person not insulted. :) But I used to be an extrovert, and have a pretty easy time with both. I wish I was still an extrovert; it was a lot easier.

[tofty.livejournal.com]

You used to be an extrovert and aren't any more? :O I didn't know that could happen!

[imkalena.livejournal.com]

I was pretty extroverted when I was younger. By the casual measures of extroversion, I have changed quite a bit. I never had a Meyers-Briggs or the like when I was in my 20s, but in college I used to go alone to parties if my friends were busy, just to enjoy meeting people.

By 35, I was an INFJ. By the time I went to my first Escapade, I was hiding behind my best slash friend -- literally walking behind her and peering over her shoulder -- because I was so nervous and timid. When she wasn't available, I tried to lurk invisibly in corners, and God forbid that I would EVER walk up to any of those people I so admired and was so terribly intimidated by.

I'm overjoyed to say that was a special case, although I do find too many people and not enough alone time draining. I don't mind strangers at all in my work capacity -- that would REALLY cause some problems. Any place I feel comfortable and in charge is fine. I'm still great at small talk, and it does work on introverts, too.*G* I'm very good at making others feel comfortable, as long as *I* am.

One of my old bosses, who was extremely extroverted when younger and now somewhat less so, believed that most people get a bit more introverted as they get older. I'm ready to agree.

[dahlia-777.livejournal.com]

Reading between the lines here... aha!

[tofty.livejournal.com]

:( I am sorry to say that in this case there are no hidden meanings. I only wish it were so!