Mistah Kurtz, he dead

[constance]

Unlike last year's venture into the heart of household darkness, this year's didn't come with the (totally discredited, as it happens) conviction that I'd be attacked and killed by wildlife. This year's came instead with a panic attack at the idea of having to climb to the top step of a ten-foot ladder and then voluntarily step off of it to get through the 1.5ft x 2ft attic access in order to track down the roof leak that killed a piece of my ceiling. But it had to be done, because I got home from work yesterday in the middle of another hard rain, and without the plaster there to direct the leak to one spot, it was sort of raining in the study as well, five or six drips that managed to ruin one of the photos on my mantel and soaked the enormous framed print hanging on the wall (frame: salvageable; print: not so much), and I knew I had to get to the attic or die in the attempt, because there's no one but me in the house to do shit like this. (I'm fairly sure I've never wished harder for a handy boyfriend than I did last night.) I'd already borrowed a ten-foot ladder from work for this very purpose, and after dinner and a couple of fierce pep-talks, I was ready to get started.

Have I mentioned that I'm afraid of heights? As a rule, I do okay if there's some barrier between me and a sheer drop of, say, four feet, but if there's no rail or window or anything to hang onto, I freak the fuck out. I mean, I can't even change light bulbs without getting lightheaded.

So I set up the ladder, in the process discovering that my ceilings are, in fact, twelve feet rather than eleven feet high, climbed up, then spent fifteen minutes telling myself not to be such a coward and to stop trying to hyperventilate, and then after spending another five convincing myself that there was absolutely no physical way to get into the attic without lifting my feet off the top of the ladder, I kind of half-rolled, half crawled in, in the most profoundly graceless manner possible, and then spent a few more minutes trying to calm down and orient myself so that I could stand without stepping off the joists, since my attic isn't floored.

From there, it was easy. I hadn't forgotten my flashlight and buckets, although I had a bad moment a few minutes later when I realized that I had forgotten my cell phone, which I'd planned on bringing up with me -- this is not actually a joke -- just in case I got up in the attic and realized I couldn't get back down without completely flipping out. I balanced my way slowly to the leak spot, found the leak, made sure all drips went into buckets, and made my way back again. Thank God, the descent was way easier than the ascent -- I don't really know what I'd have done if it'd been harder -- with only one bad moment where the ladder wobbled a little as I was stepping down onto it.

I got off the ladder feeling pretty smug, I admit it. Smug enough that I went ahead and changed all the light bulbs in my flush-mounted ceiling fixtures while I still had the ladder, though not so smug that I didn't replace them with compact fluorescents which with any luck will mean that I won't have to climb a ten-foot ladder for years.

And at least my harrowing tale has a happy ending: my trip upstairs has actually done some good! It rained steadily all night, and no more drips, no more ruined belongings, no more ruined ceilings. GO ME.

Comments

[amelia-eve.livejournal.com]

Whoa, you are like, Queen Tofty of Home Repair! Go you!

[tofty.livejournal.com]

*waves scepter graciously*

:D:D:D

[kickthebeat.livejournal.com]

YOU ARE A BAD ASS.

[tofty.livejournal.com]

I EVEN FEEL BADASS, THIS WEEK.

[gmth.livejournal.com]

Heh, this almost sounds like an episode of Home Improvement. ;-)

[tofty.livejournal.com]

Except that Tim Allen would never have had to borrow a ten-foot ladder from work! Well, he'd have some ridiculous fifty-foot solar-powered 300-HP ladder, which he'd then destroy, and then he'd end up borrowing the ladder (and Al) to finish the job.

[tilney.livejournal.com]

HARDCORE.

*high fives your hopefully no longer trembling hand*

[tofty.livejournal.com]

It stopped trembling about fifteen minutes ago, I think. B) *holds on tightly*

[thalia]

GO YOU. I have the same kind of fear of heights as you do, and I really appreciate being married because it saves me from having to deal with ladders, but I think you're a better person for facing your fear and doing it.

[tofty.livejournal.com]

Well, I would TOTALLY NOT HAVE FACED THIS ONE if I hadn't had to. I don't think I'm a better person at all! Just a more solitary one.

[laurelwood.livejournal.com]

From the crawl space to the unfloored attic- is there anything you can't do? You are so awesome and inspiring! And I'm so glad that nothing else will be destroyed by pesky rain!

[tofty.livejournal.com]

*inspires with glee and not a little embarrassment*

[xanthophyllippa.livejournal.com]

But you will have the actual problem fixed, yes? Because at some point the buckets will need to be emptied...

[tofty.livejournal.com]

Yes. I have a coworker coming out to take care of things this weekend, or possibly during the week next week; he's really good at leak-fixing. And then once I'm completely satisfied the leak has completely stopped, I'll get the ceiling replastered.

[lamohr.livejournal.com]

You do realize that at some point you'll have to have the leak fixed, right? I worked alongside my husband in construction for 17 years--and I was absolutely terrified of heights, so the first job he put me on was a roofing job. A couple of months later, I was hauling shingles and roofing houses with the rest of the crew.

I felt so bad when I saw the pix of your ceiling, but I cannot help you there. Plaster and lath are not my forte--give me sheetrock and tape anytime. Your floors and french doors are gorgeous--so is the fireplace. And I adore the crystal doorknobs; no one uses them anymore...at least not where I live.

Also, more power to you--I beleive that every woman needs to know how to do basic home repair--so many depend on the men in their lives (no offense to those that do), but there is a lot of satisfaction in knowing you've done the job yourself. Be Proud!

[tofty.livejournal.com]

Yep, I'm getting someone out in the next week to take a look at the roof, from my description, he says it's likely just the flashing around the chimney that's not doing its job, and it shouldn't take too much to fix it, thiank goodness.

Man, I'm not sure, after the other day, I could cope with your husband's brand of tough love! I bet I could probably climb into the attic again, but only if I had to. O_o I'm still a little wigged out about it.

But I really like being able to do this stuff, too. The more I can manage by myself, the happier I am. And I kinf of love most handy-type work anyway, so I don't really mind doing it.

[ainsley.livejournal.com]

Yay, you!

[tofty.livejournal.com]

:D:D:D:D:D

[imkalena.livejournal.com]

WOW. I'm totally impressed! You *should* feel smug. I'm not deathly afraid of heights, but I would have wanted my cell phone in an UNFLOORED ATTIC too! One slip could have been a disaster!

[tofty.livejournal.com]

I know! Luckily, I felt pretty confident -- if-slow-moving -- because the roof is hipped, and wherever I went, I had an eave to hang onto.