constance | Catchup.

I've dedicated my life to reassuring panicky straight boys that a little anal stimulation won't make 'em gay. My oft-stated position: If a guy and a girl are doing it during sex—whatever it is, whatever it looks like—it's straight sex. And, yes, that includes a pair of straight girls making out to turn on a straight boy, as well as the far less common straight-boys-making-out-to-turn-on-a-straight-girl scenario.

But no more. From now on, I intend to sow gay panic when and where I can. Maybe straight men, who voted in overwhelming numbers for the various anti-gay shit on their ballots, won't be so quick to strip gay people of their civil rights if they're worried that one false move—or one finger up the butt—can turn them gay. So for the record, breeder boys: A finger in the butt can make you gay; using a butt plug can make you gay; doing it doggy-style can make you gay; playing with your nipples can make you gay; fucking a woman in the ass can make you gay; wiping from front-to-back can make you gay; standing up to pee can make you gay; and watching dudes hump dudes on ESPN—Ultimate Fighting Championship—for sure makes you gay.

--Dan Savage