YOU GOTTA REMEMBER WHO FUCKIN LOVES YOU, MAN.

[constance]

Well! After weeks of this debilitating panicky buzzing static overwhelming me whenever I tried to say something, anything, to anyone (it's taken me a while to realize that this phenomenon seems to be summer-related, which is it possible to have SAD in an inverse sort of style, and also, WAY TO GO SELF-AWARENESS), I woke up this morning, which was, probably not coincidentally, a nice cool morning, with the Urge to Spill. The words, they are fighting to get out, and so I am just going to let them and not make any promises and not question anything. Okay? Okay. Here goes.

• I turned 39 last week, and after years of being sanguine about my approaching Middle Years, suddenly it's much harder to deal. Sure, I'm aging pretty well. Sure, I am active and healthy and inquisitive and don't much resemble the specimen I had in my brain of 40-year-old women when I was, like, seventeen, but God, come on, I am kissing my thirties goodbye and I am so very reluctant to stop! (Despite the fact that some of my thirties were truly lousy, I've liked being in my thirties quite a lot.) Anyway, this goodbye kiss. I feel it should be a really long sloppy open-mouthed slutty one, you know, the kind that when you see them between strangers in the streets you're hard-pressed not to gape and snicker but really who kisses like that in public if they don't want to be seen, right? That kind of kiss. I'm not sure how to go about it, I'm just not that sort of person, but for once in my life I want to be. I am thinking about how I want this year to go down. I don't want to spend it the way I might otherwise be tempted to spend it: lazily napping and reading in



• my new hammock, which was a much-coveted birthday present this year. In spite of my nebulous wishes to do something spectacular (or maybe even more than one spectacular thing) in the next eleven months and twenty days, I've been spending a fair bit of time doing this very thing with the first few days of my fortieth year. But see, if I'm reading out on my porch, I can watch for falling limbs, which are still falling a month after the tornado, more damage in them there trees than anyone (and by anyone, I mean I) suspected, I guess; and also I can spy discreetly on my fascinating new neighbors, who are real-live rednecks, complete with indeterminate numbers of small diaper-clad children and lots of big loud trucks and terrible beer and that neo-redneck buzzcut which has long since replaced the mullet as the hairstyle of choice amongst the men of this demographic, and who last week during some sort of fight aired my new favorite Proclamation o'Love: YOU GOTTA REMEMBER WHO FUCKIN LOVES YOU, MAN. I am trotting this one out whenever I can, which is not, perhaps unsurprisingly, all that often. But I say it to you now. Because I can.
  
  The hammock, by the way, is configured in such a way that it makes my butt fall asleep if I linger too long. I love it anyway, though. I do love me an imperfect life, a lovely thing with just a stinging edge of discomfort to it.



• In other lazinesses (and as part of an ongoing effort to avoid the beginning of the end of BSG), I am slowly revisiting Deadwood and loving it even better the second time around. And oh, my. I'd remembered so many of the things I loved about it: everything about my father's spiritual twin Al Swearingen; the weaselly, prolix nastiness of EB; my future wastrellous, fabulous first wife Calamity Jane; so much, much more. But I'd sort of forgotten how incredibly, mind-bogglingly hot Seth Bullock was, or maybe I never felt it the first time around (actually, I liked Sol much more the first time around, now that I think about it), but now whenever he's onscreen, I have a hard time concentrating on the actual scene, I just want to watch him smoulder for a while, and the noteworthy thing is that it's not Timothy Olyphant who's making me squirm, since I'm not really an Olyphantgirl; it is all about Seth Bullock. MMmmmMMmMmm.



• Despite these sedentary non-adventurous activities, though, I am still losing weight. I've lost quite a lot now, in fact, enough that people have taken to boggling at the change, and while I know people mean to be flattering (and while obviously it is nice to have a waist and also to be able to wear all the nifty summer skirts that hung forlornly in my closet for years because I loved them too much to throw them out but couldn't actually get them buttoned or zipped or indeed over my hips), I find myself resenting this specific attention a little. I mean, yeah, thanks for telling me I'm looking good, healthy, fit, whatfuckingever, but no thanks for the implication that I was looking crappy before. I should probably deal with this resentment, right, before it gets the better of me, before some well-meaning guy tries to flirt mildly with me and instead of smiling and being nice and moving uncomfortably on I stick around long enough to haul off and punch him in the face. That'd be uncool, I know.



• And finally, I have a delicate question for you that only you, gentle reader, can answer. I've been catching up, in the last couple of days, finding out what you've been up to in the last month (and realizing in the process how few of the journals I've got friended are still actually active), wanting to comment sometimes but feeling weird about commenting enthusiastically on a post made three weeks ago, because even if I am just coming to you, you have moved far past that moment, and so this is my question to you: what exactly is your statute of limitations for comments on past posts? Do you even have one?



• There's one more thing, too. :* It's really, really good to see you again. Good to be hanging around. Good to be talking.

Comments

[amelia-eve.livejournal.com]

Happy belated! Always so good to see you.

And congratulations on the weight loss. I know exactly what you mean about the mixed feelings about compliments, but I long ago decided to take all compliments as offered, period. If you are going to WW meetings, though, it might be an interesting topic to bring up. I'd be interested to hear what other people have to say about it. I plateaued after about fifty pounds and I've just decided to feel good about maintaining this weight and enjoying my nice wardrobe for a while. I tried to get back on program back in February, but the meeting I'd liked was no longer available and I just wasn't feeling it. I decided not to torture myself about it, you know?

The freak-out birthday for me so far was 36. Part of the freak-out was that it seemed so random, but I was just quietly overcome with dread. Maybe because it put me on the wrong side of three score and ten for the first time, but man, what a weird surprise. I do think it's important to celebrate the big ones because they really are meaningful milestones. For my fortieth, I saved like a fiend and went on a fantastic solo trip to Spain and France, mostly touring cathedrals and eating great food. Travel always makes me feel like my best self. I don't know if it works that way for you, but I hope you find something you can plan for as a real celebration, whether it's a party or a trip or a purchase. You deserve to be celebrated.

And of course, comments are accepted whenever you wish to offer them. Since Leit arrived, I'm still figuring out my personal schedule, so my own LJ time and other personal internet habits are a bit in flux. It's so delightful having him here full time, but the practical integration with daily tasks has a bigger impact than I was willing to admit to myself. I think once he starts working it will be easier for us to sort out some kind of schedule, but for now, I beg everyone's indulgence of my own time management glitches.

[tofty.livejournal.com]

Good to see you! You've been busy these past few weeks! Congratulations on taking such big steps; I can't imagine that moving in with someone after years on your own would be anything but a massive adjustment, but I hope you're settling in, and in the meantime, I'll make a special effort to forgive you for being preoccupied. :D

I am ambivalent about travel; some parts of it are such a rush that the parts that are really pretty hellish for me are usually worthwhile. But I think the idea of celebrating by hitting the road is a really good one. One that I've been considering pretty seriously, actually.

I don't blame you for not wanting to continue going to meetings when you weren't really feeling them. I lucked into a really, really good group here -- several people who've done WW before have commented that this is an excellent, supportive, friendly group, much more so than the norm -- and it's a big part of why I'm sticking around. I've sloped off in the last few months, still losing, not as quickly as I was losing a few months ago, but I'm okay with that, and I'm still going to the meetings because in addition to being good support, they're keeping me honest, and I'm sorry to say that I need to be accountable to something still. *kicks underdeveloped self-discipline*

[amelia-eve.livejournal.com]

So far I'm really loving the cohabitation thing. Besides the obvious pleasure of just being together, it's really nice to have someone else picking up some slack in the household chores. I can cook a nice dinner and not have to clean up after it, too. Yay!

As you know, I adore travel, so I'm all nosy, too. Where are you thinking of going???

I sorely wish my previous WW meeting were still available. It was offered in a meeting room at work during lunch hour. I know I won't go if I have to go home in the evening and go back out to a meeting. Whatever energy I have for that sort of thing is better spent at the gym. And I loved my leader so much I am afraid a new one won't compare. But I do miss the support of the meetings. I have several friends in the program, so I have people I can talk to about it, but it isn't the same thing as the meetings. Good luck to you!

[tofty.livejournal.com]

I'd wanted to go to London to visit a friend this year, but with fuel and ticket prices the way they are right now, there aren't many bargains to be had, and so I'm considering putting off the trip till next year. But I'm also thinking fondly of my longtime fantasy of just getting up and taking a road trip somewhere, no plans or itineraries, just driving until I see something interesting to stop for, stopping and staying in whatever motel, getting up the next morning and keeping going. This second trip would be taken entirely without interstates.

Man, I seriously envy you your new cleanup crew! That's my least favorite part of cooking, and the idea of being able to divide the labor up that way is a sweet one. (Leit doesn't cook much, don't I remember you saying that? In which case the division of labor's a natural one, and you get all the fun bits!)

See you're saying the thing about the meetings that I'm sort of worried about, too. I don't want to stop going because while I don't really enjoy talking about my diet habits to civilians, I really like having a supportive group that deals with the same issues I'm dealing with and has advice to offer. And I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have a group I liked as much as my current one. I suspect that I'd do not nearly so well.

[amelia-eve.livejournal.com]

The really great time to buy tickets to London is in January for anything before April 1. There are always huge after Christmas sales, often with some hotel nights included. I've done this twice, both times going the last week in March. Once the weather was sunny and in the 70s, the other time we nearly froze to death, so it's changeable but cheap. The exchange rate is what really kills you in the UK. And it's just very expensive there in general.

For a meandering road trip, even if you don't want to be tied down to a plan, I think they work better if you have a theme. It could be gardens or barbecue or battelfields or theme parks, but it helps things hang together a bit better, I've found. I drove across the US alone in a huge truck when I moved from California to NJ and it was a great trip, though obviously more specifically planned out. But the going on my own aspect was mostly very interesting.

If you like your WW group and it's bringing you success, I think you should stick with it as long as you can. Cheers!

ETA: Leit is not a cook, though he has great food sense. He picks out interesting things when we shop together, and I'm walking him through "assembly" food projects like salads and burritos. He's good at combining flavors, he just doesn't know techniques about heat, time, pots, and that sort of thing. But I think he'll come along nicely with a bit of time. For now, though, I am enjoying the clean-up crew immensely.