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constanceIf you were to ask me, I'd tell you that I'm not an ambitious person, and in fact, I've been known to offer that information up unbidden. There is just something about me that doesn't mind sitting in the middle of the classroom, coming in third place, settling into a comfy job for the long haul. I'm not competitive, and if I am in some respects a perfectionist, and in many ways a headlong idealist, it can sometimes be hard to discern amidst all the, you know, outward complacence and placidity. I do not appear in the slightest to be driven, and mostly, I am not.
Here's the thing, though. I do have one ambition, and I've had it since I was barely able to understand the words, "I want to be an architect when I grow up." And my plan to be an architect was centered around this ambition, and every goal I've set myself in earnest has been set, whether I understood this or not, to achieve this end. And some people love cars and want to build one, and some people love books and want to write one, but me, I love old houses and want to restore one. I have a hard time articulating exactly how important this is to me. I feel it the way some women want to have babies, with my whole self, as a biological imperative. I must buy a house. And I must love it. And it must be something that I can turn into a thing of my very own.
Last year at this time, I had come close and failed. The wrong house, the wrong time, no credit, no money, no paying job, no stamina, and a fierce desire for a space of my own: it all exploded in this huge ball of fire that left me picking up pieces for nearly a year, and for a long time feeling as though I was destined never quite to achieve my single ambition in life. O, the vicious circle of frustration that a blank credit report can bring! But slowly, over the year, momentum has been picking up, and I have been building up a bit of credit, and I have been biding my time, looking at houses online, driving past them, girding myself up for the next attempt.
Well, today I jumped in with both feet: I called a mortgage company and asked them to give me money. I had my figures set, but I was prepared to have to come down a bit if I needed to, I was ready to hear, You don't make enough to get this much, or We need you to find a cosigner, or We're really sorry, but... I was prepared to try again, and again, because as time has gone on, this year, I have become more and more convinced that now is the right time, and so I was determined to do what I could to make sure it happened, and not to let rejection break my heart this time around. At least, you know, that's what I told myself.
At any rate, I called. And within twenty minutes I had my answer: not only do they want to give me money, not only do they want to give it to Just Me and not Me and My Financially Solvent Father, but they want to give it to me by the fucking bucketload. They are quite happy to loan me sums of money I could only repay if I were spending all my income on that and nothing else. They consider me a Good Credit Risk, by god, and if those are not the sweetest goddamned words I have ever heard in my entire life, I don't know what are. Really.
I am going to be a homeowner, someday very soon. Maybe I won't end up with Bachelor No. 1 or Bachelor No. 2. Maybe I will end up with something else entirely. That is really okay with me, because there are a lot of houses in the world to love. But it will happen. For the first time in my life, my sole ambition is something more than an abstract plan. And it feels pretty fucking good.
:::
Also, I put together a little avatar as seen on the journal of![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
onthecontrary and here, and as I was picking hair and clothes and the glasses, I experienced an epiphany: Good lord, I thought to myself, I thought, I look like the unholy offspring of Peppermint Patty and Marcie, these days.
Here's the thing, though. I do have one ambition, and I've had it since I was barely able to understand the words, "I want to be an architect when I grow up." And my plan to be an architect was centered around this ambition, and every goal I've set myself in earnest has been set, whether I understood this or not, to achieve this end. And some people love cars and want to build one, and some people love books and want to write one, but me, I love old houses and want to restore one. I have a hard time articulating exactly how important this is to me. I feel it the way some women want to have babies, with my whole self, as a biological imperative. I must buy a house. And I must love it. And it must be something that I can turn into a thing of my very own.
Last year at this time, I had come close and failed. The wrong house, the wrong time, no credit, no money, no paying job, no stamina, and a fierce desire for a space of my own: it all exploded in this huge ball of fire that left me picking up pieces for nearly a year, and for a long time feeling as though I was destined never quite to achieve my single ambition in life. O, the vicious circle of frustration that a blank credit report can bring! But slowly, over the year, momentum has been picking up, and I have been building up a bit of credit, and I have been biding my time, looking at houses online, driving past them, girding myself up for the next attempt.
Well, today I jumped in with both feet: I called a mortgage company and asked them to give me money. I had my figures set, but I was prepared to have to come down a bit if I needed to, I was ready to hear, You don't make enough to get this much, or We need you to find a cosigner, or We're really sorry, but... I was prepared to try again, and again, because as time has gone on, this year, I have become more and more convinced that now is the right time, and so I was determined to do what I could to make sure it happened, and not to let rejection break my heart this time around. At least, you know, that's what I told myself.
At any rate, I called. And within twenty minutes I had my answer: not only do they want to give me money, not only do they want to give it to Just Me and not Me and My Financially Solvent Father, but they want to give it to me by the fucking bucketload. They are quite happy to loan me sums of money I could only repay if I were spending all my income on that and nothing else. They consider me a Good Credit Risk, by god, and if those are not the sweetest goddamned words I have ever heard in my entire life, I don't know what are. Really.
I am going to be a homeowner, someday very soon. Maybe I won't end up with Bachelor No. 1 or Bachelor No. 2. Maybe I will end up with something else entirely. That is really okay with me, because there are a lot of houses in the world to love. But it will happen. For the first time in my life, my sole ambition is something more than an abstract plan. And it feels pretty fucking good.
:::
Also, I put together a little avatar as seen on the journal of
onthecontrary and here, and as I was picking hair and clothes and the glasses, I experienced an epiphany: Good lord, I thought to myself, I thought, I look like the unholy offspring of Peppermint Patty and Marcie, these days.
no subject
Date: 2005-11-15 02:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-15 02:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-15 03:27 am (UTC)Now that I'm supposed to be entering Responsible Adulthood or whatever in the near future, I've started paying attention to houses and land values and all that, and God, while I'm not nearly as advanced in House Lust as you are, I think I can feel the beginnings of a serious bug. There's just something almost physically pleasurable about the notion of owning my own place.
no subject
Date: 2005-11-15 05:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-15 05:18 am (UTC)And ... do you garden?
no subject
Date: 2005-11-15 06:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-15 09:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-15 01:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-15 03:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-16 12:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-16 12:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-16 12:30 am (UTC)I don't garden, because I've never really had a garden. I don't think I'd be very good at it--I can't even manage to keep houseplants alive--but I am absolutely determined to try. I mean, don't you think the front of that house is crying out for some azaleas or hydrageas or something?
no subject
Date: 2005-11-16 12:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-16 12:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-16 12:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-16 12:36 am (UTC)Don't think I won't keep your offer in mind if they ever give me money by the truckload and I spend it on a house in your neighborhood!
no subject
Date: 2005-11-16 05:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-16 11:47 pm (UTC)Even though you can't hear it, I am making shrill sounding noises of delight for your new loan worthy status. Congratulations you future home owner, you.
no subject
Date: 2005-11-18 10:29 am (UTC)