i should let it go.

Every now and then I revisit my hate for my former boss -- the one who laid me off three and a half years ago, and who says I can't hold a grudge? -- because my dog was her responsibility before he was mine. It's mostly just thinking about Leory's life before he came to me that does it, thinking about how his first four years were dictated by a neglectful, selfish woman who had no idea how to manage a willful and energetic breed and so didn't bother to do it -- just, apparently, ignored his existence as much as possible and and got on with her own life, which is obviously just the thing for a dog owner to do, right? But sometimes it's more specific; it hits me hard when I see someone in thrall to a new puppy and I think about Leory as a puppy, and I get resentful that I didn't have the sweet wriggling bundle of fur or the leggy adolescent, that she got them and didn't appreciate them, fucked him all up. It's not fair to Leory, and to a lesser extent it's not fair to me.

I was thinking this tonight, out walking him (while wearing what became painfully obvious were the wrong shoes). We ran into a little Airedale puppy (I guess Airedales are a breed gone out of vogue? You don't see them too much any more), and he and Leory were rolling over each other at the ends of their leashes, and there was such a look on his owner's face as he watched them together, the indulgence laid over with a careful, protective vibe that any dog owner ought to get when watching his dog with another dog who happens to be about five times his size, and hated my boss so hard, right then, that Leory never had that -- I doubt he ever had walks at all, judging by the time it took to get him used to wearing a leash -- that he took so long to learn to trust me because he never had anyone to trust before me. Can you imagine a puppy without someone to trust?

I'm so glad I don't work for her any more. I can't hold such a person in any kind of respect, and I may have isues with my current boss, but he is, in his own slipshod, uberentitled way, a respectable guy. I am so much better off, now, and so is Leory, who hasn't flinched when I reach for him in a long time, who hasn't growled when I hug him in forever, who is currently sitting quietly next to the desk with his head on a swatch of fabric, wagging his tail and waiting for me to finish writing this, so fuck you, L, we are happy and healthy together, no thanks to you.