I remember from my experience years ago that people who don't want you meddling in their lives (no matter that they may need meddling in) get very good at deflecting questions, and very good at knowing the right things to say when they can't deflect any more. So that it's not until you see by accident what their lives are really like that you realize that they've been misrepresenting themselves for a long time.

One of the hardest things for me in this is knowing that if it were me in that situation, I might well resist very hard, too. For people who value autonomy, allowing other people or agencies control over their lives is more than just difficult. It's unwelcome, an invasion of privacy and an indignity. And so I am really wary of overstepping my bounds -- but at the same time, I feel so, so strongly that she mustn't be allowed to go on like this indefinitely. :/

You are all helping, believe me. I wasn't kidding when I said I was panicky, and reading all this wonderful advice from my kind and wise friendslist is helping me to calm down and sort things out. THANK YOU, to both you and Dennis. If I were Jan, I wouldn't mind being aging and alone as long as you guys were around.

(My mommy is such a softie that she'd burst into tears before I did! She's not good for tough love -- that's my dad's job -- but she is amazing at empathy, thank God.)